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“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
2 Corinthians 5:21 ESV
For our sake? As if I'm worth all of this sacrifice? I don't feel worthy of any sacrifice and I definitely don't feel righteous.
Have you felt like that before? Look, I understand that sometimes this kind of thinking creeps in. It actually hits me every day. Every day it seems to find its way into my mind and it attempts (sometimes successfully) to poison my thinking and distort the Truth that I now know. My thinking can ruin a beautiful opportunity provided me at every moment. The way I think is influenced by an enemy who is extremely cunning and creative. And sometimes it seems as though I'm under constant attack. But hope is a powerful thing. "Hope springs eternal." You ever hear that one? Hope plants strength in the right here and now and is based on faith in the future grace God provides. That just sounds idiotic to me to be honest. And I don't fancy myself an idiot. But then I come to a place where my heart is bent and I'm struggling to find that peace and love I've known from God, and I read about faith and hope and I realize that I am supposed to stop working so damn hard to do good and to succeed at being a good boy for God. I'm not supposed to be making Him proud. He is already in love with me. He doesn't need me to make any more attempts to show Him what I can do to help Him. He wants to give me a gift and I feel like I've got to straighten up and fly right in order to be worthy of it. And that's not it! That is what's inside of me now. This desire to be better. But it's not because I feel like I owe God. It's because I FREAKING KNOW BETTER. I'm mad at myself for failing where I now know better. What the heck is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm still human and I'm still a mess without Him. The more I know Him, the more He desires for me to trust in Him for everything. This is where I get off track. I fall into a ditch and think that the more I know Him, the better I'm becoming and then I say, "Hey Papa, thanks for all the building up and encouragement. Now watch what I can do all on my own." And BOOM! It all comes crashing down. He isn't building me up so I can say thanks a lot and see ya later alligator. He's building me up to show me what life looks like when we live within His holy purpose for our lives. We already know what life looks like without Him. I'll tell you that I do anyway. Stop beating yourself up for failing and simply confess the failure to Him. Ask for peace and renewed strength. Tell Him your fears and ask for reassurance of faith. Give your failures to Him. Lay them down at His feet. And every time you begin to doubt or feel shitty and sad or depressed as though He may not be there, tell Him what you're feeling. Confess that crap and pray for it to be removed. That is practicing your faith. That is having hope. I don't want this feeling. Now I confess to God because I've been saved and am apparently worthy of this according to Him. Please take this away from me. And if it isn't supposed to go away, help me have hope that Your plan will show me how to rise above this circumstance. Change my heart. Change my mind. Change the way I see the world and make me into what You desire of me. I am Yours Father. Break me and remake me. Today is Your gift to ME! I pray with all that I am that all that I am be glorifying all that You are. Praise You Father! Amen!